Missed Connections at the Coffee Shop, a parody by Mark C. Taylor

I find the Craigslist postings for Missed Connections to be really entertaining to read, so I came up with some fake ones of my own, all set in a coffee shop. 

W4M: You tried to order your coffee from the wrong end of the counter. The barista asked you if you wanted a cappuccino, and you didn’t know what that was. We talked briefly when I tried to help you put a lid on your coffee. You said you didn’t need one, and then you spilled most of it as you tried to open the door. My heart was melting for you. You’re a lot older than I am, but I’d love to expand your knowledge of coffee.

M4W: You were wearing a big floppy hat, Crocs with thick black socks, and a fanny pack. We didn’t talk, but I saw the lustful look in your eyes behind those thick lenses. 

M4W: You were standing in line right in front of me. You were on your cell phone literally the whole time. You flipped your long dark hair and it hit me right in the face. You didn’t seem to notice. You seemed annoyed at the barista, and you said she should “know exactly what I want” because you “come in here all of the freaking time.” I really liked the way you put that snotty little barista in her place. Maybe we can get coffee sometime? I know just how you like your mochas after you made the barista re-make it three times. 

W4M: You were wearing a white suit, which matched your hair. I couldn’t quite tell what kind of shoes you were wearing. Maybe Allen Edmonds? We talked for a minute as we both got straws. You complimented my dress. I should have gotten your number. I’m a sociologist, and I hope you enjoy status signifiers as much as I do. Tell me where my dress was from so I know it’s really you.

M4M: You were playing Pokémon Go the whole time and you didn’t even seem to notice that you were inside. You muttered something about getting resources when I tried to talk to you. Your unfamiliarity with basic social norms intrigued me. Wanna see if we can find Pikachu together?

Tom Wolfe on Donald Trump's 2016 Presidential Campaign: A Parody by Mark C. Taylor

Donald Trump at the 2015 Iowa State Fair, August 15, 2015.

Author Tom Wolfe.

Author’s note: The piece that follows is a work of fiction, and is not actually by Tom Wolfe. As I was reading a story in The New York Times about Donald Trump’s visit to the Iowa State Fair yesterday, I thought, “How great would it be if 1960’s-era Tom Wolfe was covering Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign?” So I decided to write this affectionate parody of Tom Wolfe’s writing style. I invented all of the quotes uttered by Donald Trump in this piece. 

BZZZZZZZZ. As the helicopter scuttles across the sky, the Iowa crowd grows restless with excitement. “Is that him?” “In a helicopter?” When it touches down at last, and the rotor blades stop whirring, a familiar figure steps out. TRUMP! There he is! How does his hair look? He’s wearing a hat! Trump strides out into the crowd, trailed by a phalanx of reporters and several aides. Trump’s lips seem to be forever frozen in a petulant Jaggeresque pout. And then there is his hair. Covered by a red baseball cap emblazoned with the words, “Make America Great Again,” the famous orange-colored comb-over is not to be seen today. MOOOOOO! In the distance cattle from the cattle barn make their opinions known. Trump offers helicopter rides to the kids swarming around him. When someone mentions the word “liability,” Trump shrugs his shoulders and says, “Whatever, I’m covered. I’m worth $10 billion dollars. I’m good.” BZZZZZZ goes the helicopter again, whisking away someone for a short ride.

The candidate walks towards the Agriculture building, where the famous cow sculpture made out of butter resides. “A cow, made out of butter? Wow, that’s fantastic,” Trump says. “You know,” he says to no one in particular, “I’ve done deals with butter companies. Really great people. Great product.” Inside the Agriculture building, Trump finds himself hemmed in by the crush of people trying to get close to him. WHHIIIRRRRRR. The air conditioning hums away, preserving the butter cow for the curious crowd. Trump is unable to get close enough to the butter cow display to see it. This seems to frustrate him, as he says, “You know, this building has a lot of potential. You could add more floors to it, maybe a moving walkway or something so people could get to the butter cow easier. Maybe have a golden display case for the butter cow. I could really make this place huge and fantastic. Trump Des Moines, how does that sound?” WHHHIIIRRRRRR. As Trump talks, his hands are in perpetual motion, jabbing the air, stabbing to make a point. “America’s very weak right now” JAB! “President Obama has been a total disaster” STAB! “The Chinese are crushing us in trade” STAB! JAB! JAB! 

Trump poses for selfies with cellphone-wielding people in the crowd. CLICK! “I think what you’re saying needs to be heard right now.” CLICK! “I loved The Apprentice!” CLICK! “Did you try the pork chop on a stick?” CLICK! “Thanks so much for coming to Iowa!” CLICK! After a short speech, Trump heads back to his helicopter, thanks everyone for coming out to see him, and flies away. BZZZZZZZZZZZ.

After Trump departed, I decided it was time to try some of the fried foods. I bought a deep-fried Snickers bar. As I took my first bite, I quickly wheeled around and grabbed some extra napkins. After all, I have to keep this white suit spotless.