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| Cover of God is My Broker, by Brother Ty, with Christopher Buckley and John Tierney, 1998. |
In the 1998 satire God is My Broker, authors Christopher Buckley and John Tierney take aim at business and self-help books and their promises of untold wealth and riches. The narrator of God is My Broker is “Brother Ty,” once a Wall Street stockbroker who left the market behind for the contemplative life of a monk at Cana monastery in upstate New York. Unfortunately, the monastery is nearly bankrupt. The monastery produces a dreadful wine, which was responsible for souring their relations with the Vatican after the Pope drank a glass. “Although it was never conclusively proved that our wine had caused his distress, the chemical analysis turned up a number of ‘impurities.’” (p.8)
The Abbot of the monastery, running out of options, purchased a book by self-help author Deepak Chopra called Creating Affluence: Wealth Consciousness in the Field of All Possibilities.
Brother Ty asks the Abbot: “Any lilies in this Field of All Possibilities?”
“I haven’t gotten to the field part yet. He’s got this system called ‘The A-to-Z Steps to Creating Affluence.’ It’s either extremely profound, or—”
“Total rubbish?”
“To be honest, I had an easier time understanding Aquinas. I have no idea what the man is talking about.” (p.11)
Here’s the part where I inform you that the “Author’s Note” at the beginning of God is My Broker states: “Historians differ as to certain details of the life and writings of Saint Thaddeus of Thessaly. Rest assured, however, that every word quoted from the works of Deepak Chopra and other modern authors is strictly accurate, difficult as that may be to believe.”
Brother Ty flips to the “W” section of Creating Affluence, to see if Chopra has anything to say about wine. There’s nothing about wine, but Chopra writes: “W stands for wealth consciousness without worries. Wealth consciousness implies absence of money worries. Truly wealthy people never worry about losing their money because they know that wherever money comes from there is an inexhaustible supply of it.” Chopra then relates an anecdote about the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. Someone asked the Maharishi where the money for a project would come from. His response was “From wherever it is at the moment.” (p.11) It’s a great quote that is at the same time deeply profound and also mind-bogglingly naïve. It also sounds suspiciously like something someone who has never had to make a mortgage payment would say.
The Abbot might as well have asked the baseball player Yogi Berra for financial assistance. (From my Googling, there are a fair number of websites that will translate Yogi’s sayings into stock market advice. Well, as Yogi would say, “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”) Fortunately, Brother Ty is able to take a reading from the breviary and translate it into a stock tip that pays off for the monastery.
As Brother Ty’s stock tips keep hitting big, the Abbot is convinced that the monastery needs to advertise their wine more. Brother Ty stubbornly insists that they need to concentrate on making “Wine that is free of rust. Wine that is not orange.” (p.62) Much to Brother Ty’s dismay, the monks end up re-bottling Chilean wine and adding just a few drops of the actual wine from Cana.
Surely the monks can’t keep just re-bottling someone else’s wine? Of course not, and don’t call me Shirley. Since the monastery is now flush with cash, there are Executive Retreat Centers to construct, and attractions to be built, in order to attract tourists and pilgrims to Cana. One of the funniest scenes in God is My Broker is one that shows the intellectual divisions among the monks, as some have become strict adherents to the philosophy of Anthony Robbins, while others prefer the wisdom of Stephen Covey.
Throughout God is My Broker, we learn the 7 ½ laws of spiritual and financial growth. At the end of each chapter, there are reflections and questions to help make sure that the reader is truly absorbing the 7 ½ laws. Some of my favorites: “After Cana, {where Jesus turned water into wine} do you suppose Jesus got invited to a lot of weddings?” (p.56) “How many times have I actually seen a camel not fit through the eye of a needle? If God didn’t want anyone to be rich, why did He make so much money?” (p.79) “Did not buying something nice ever make me happy? Did I ever see a gorgeous, expensive car in a showroom and say to myself, What a waste of money buying that would be!? Am I really saying, I’m not good enough for that car? Does God think that car is too good for me? Does God drive around in a ‘78 Corolla?” (p.105) “If God didn’t want people throwing stones, how come He left so many lying around?” (p.143)
I also enjoyed the tidbits of wisdom from real self-help books, like this chunk of brilliance from Napoleon Hill in Think and Grow Rich:
1. Fix in your mind the exact amount of money you desire.
2. Determine exactly what you intend to give in return for the money you desire.
3. Establish a definite date when you intend to possess the money you desire.
As the Abbot says, “How about twelve-twenty P.M.?” Anthony Robbins proves to be similarly inscrutable when pressed for specifics:
“Let’s review the five fundamental lessons for creating lasting wealth.
The first key is the ability to earn more income than ever before, the ability to create wealth.
The second key is to maintain your wealth.
The third key is to increase your wealth.
The fourth key is to protect your wealth.
The fifth key is to enjoy your wealth.” (p.165-7)
The monks should have asked Yogi Berra, who probably would have responded with something like, “To be rich, you’re gonna have to make an awful lot of money.”
God is My Broker is a fiercely funny satire that will tickle your funny bone, and perhaps inspire you to cleanse your bookshelf of pabulum that promises you rewards at no cost.
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